Over the past two weeks I have felt unlike myself. I have felt as though I’m continually walking through a fog. It started last week when I came down with the flu; I was disconnected from about everybody that I knew and didn’t know how to acclimate. For three months I have been serving as intern at a great church with great students and great leadership, and when I was unable to be there (for the first time in those 3 months) I felt left out, disconnected, and alone.
So naturally I thought that as soon as I got back the feeling of being alone would go away, that it was the physical disconnect that was causing this feeling. It hasn’t changed. In fact it has grown. Even when I was with the students last night I got this feeling that everything was perfect without me while I was gone.
I met with a great friend of mine this week and got to talk with him about how disconnected I’ve felt lately. He has grown up with me and been my friend through the ups and downs of my life. He was a member of my previous church and knows absolutely everything about me. There is not a thing about me that he doesn’t know.
As we met and talked I explained how lonely I was. I love it where I’m at don’t get me wrong, but I’m just feeling lonely. I am away from all those people who know the deep things that make me who I am. I have good friends here and have started to build relationships but it will take 22 years to get to where things are there.
Now you may get the impression that I want to stop what I’m doing here. That is not the case at all! I do feel lonely, disconnected sometimes, but I know without a doubt that God placed me here. I was not actively seeking a job, I was just praying that God would open a door. And He did so until my time is done here I will endure whatever trials come my way.
I was reading this morning about how a disciple must endure hardships to be able to follow Christ closely. That times of seemingly walking alone in a wordily sense will pass and that you must “endure it until its over, because out if it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy”
My focus needs to continue to be on following Jesus more closely and endure the pains that come with going to war everyday.